American Tantrum by Anthony Atamanuik

Author:Anthony Atamanuik
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2018-09-25T16:00:00+00:00

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CALL: THERESA MAY

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Trump: Who am I talking to now?

May: Mr. President, this is Theresa May.

T: Mother?

M: Theresa May, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

T: Mother?

M: Is your mother with you?

T: No . . . Are you my mother?

M: No, I’m not your mother, though our countries do share a special relationship.

T: Okay, don’t get freaky. Listen. I’m calling you today because we need to establish normalization of diplomatic relations with our nations. We have been enemies for too long. It is time for the war to end.

M: There is no war between the United States and the United Kingdom, Mr. Trump—

T: Excuse me.

M: Mr. President, I—

T: Excuse me.

M: Mr. President, I—

T: Excuse me.

M: Mr. President, I—

T: Excuse me.

M: Mr. President—

T: There was a war, and we won it. And you’re not going to tell me any different.

M: There was a war after that war that we won.

T: Paul Retard rode through the streets with his lantern giving Christmas presents to everybody.

M: Yes, and then in the War of 1812 we burned down the White House.

T: What?!

M: Dolly Madison escaped with the papers and paintings.

T: She was a sheep that could talk like a woman!

M: Very well. Mr. President—

T: Yes?

M: Mr. President, I must lodge my objection to your posting on Twitter inciteful racialist propaganda from the UK’s far right party.

T: I don’t know what it was. It was a tweet, I like to tweet. I sent the tweet out, it was a guy, a Muslim guy beating someone up. How can you beat that? And I didn’t know what it was from, from the right or whatever. Who can tell what your parties are like, anyway? You don’t have a Democrat and a Republican. What am I supposed to do? So I put it out. But if it offended anybody, then I’m sorry that it offended anyone, but that’s the most I’m gonna say. And the truth is, I agree with the video. And isn’t your hard right basically a liberal Democrat anyway?

M: They’re an anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant, nationalist isolationist party.

T: There you go, that’s my kind of party, baby. You like to party?

M: No. Mr. President—

T: Where’s the queen?

M: The queen is in Windsor Castle.

T: Wow!

M: I’m not really supposed to say that. I’m not supposed to say where she is at any given moment, but I do know.

T: Why aren’t I talking to her? Isn’t she the head of state?

M: Yes, she’s the figurehead head of state, I’m the head of the government.

T: She’s the queen!

M: That’s right.

T: And I only talk to the top. Get the queen on the phone.

M: I’ll try . . . I’m afraid she’s unavailable.

T: You didn’t try!

M: I did try!

T: How could you do that that quick?

M: I have an assistant.

T: Who? Is she hot?

M: His name is Daniel.

T: Oh, I see, those guys, they know how to pick out good ties. I don’t have a problem with them, okay? They know how to organize things.

M: Certainly.

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